Dual tragedies struck the city of Phoenix, AZ earlier today as total of 6 news choppers crashed in two separate fiery crashes. First, 2 news helicopters crashed while covering a high speed police chase near central Phoenix. Firefighters and ambulances rushed to the scene, but were unprepared for what happened next.
“I saw the first fireball and the helicopters go down,” said Juan Perez, who lives with 13 other families in a single bedroom apartment near Phoenix Central Park. “Then about four other news choppers started circling the wreckage. You could see they were jockeying for position.”
Observers say overeager pilots and cameramen inched dangerously close to each other for a better view of the crash when four additional helicopters simultaneously collided, raining flaming debris onto the already wreckage strewn park.
A local station manager was nearly speechless over the tragedy. “What words are there to express the pain and anguish when a senseless tragedy like this ruins a ratings bonanza like a high speed chase?” he said. “I only hope that we can find solace when the overnights come out.”
----------James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, publicly questioned Fred Thompson’s Christianity, saying “Everyone knows he’s conservative and has come out strongly for the things that the pro-family movement stands for, [but] I don’t think he’s a Christian; at least that’s my impression.”
Mark Corallo, a spokesman for Thompson, called the charge ludicrous, and more importantly beside the point, as “the real question in this race is whether Jesus is a Fredist.”
He said that Thompson would be making a public statement to counter the charge later in the day, after he finished attending “Wednesday Services,” which the spokesman explained involved Thompson throttling a filthy war protester with his left hand while he panfried some porkchops for lunch with his right.
----------Venuezuelan President Hugo Chavez said Wednesday that his friend, ailing Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has been walking, “almost jogging”, in recent days.
Despite widely-reported rumors of failing health, the 80-year old strongman’s doctors have devised a regimen of vigorous physical therapy involving variously sloped terrain that Castro “can scale down incredibly quickly”, depending on the percentage grade.
“Fidel seems to really love the steep ones,” said one doctor. “We can’t keep up with him. Almost as soon as we let go, he’s bounding down energetically with his arms and leg flailing and tumbling. Eventually we catch up, finding him sprawled out, quietly meditating at the foot of the slope, his arms and legs twisted behind his back. He’s eternally youthful.”
----------The latest Quinnipiac poll of Connecticut residents finds spelling challenger Quinnapeeack two points ahead of Kwinnapeiak among voters, 48-46. Quinnipiac, the actual spelling of the poll, is preferred among just 6% of respondants.
It is believed the contentious spelling of Iraq is driving the surprising results, as bitter divisions as to whether to call the nascent democracy, which may or may not be in a state of civil war, Irak, Irack, or Eyerach have split the Connecticut electorate and created an unexpected three- way race.
The poll also asked opinions on the Lieberman- Lamont matchup, but those results were largely boring, it being like at least two months until the election, which means that the poll is virtually meaningless.
----------Hundreds of filthy Jews wandered around the streets of Kiryat Shemona on Thursday, after a Ketusha rocket fired by Hizb’Allah struck a laundry detergent factory, setting it ablaze.
A Hizb’Allah spokesman said the strike was “just vengeance” for the continued attacks by Israel which have “killed no one but innocent civilians excersizing their 2nd Amendment rights, destroyed baby formula and medicine factories that I’m afraid are too dangerous for you to enter and inspect, and damaged playgrounds where our children play in spider holes and underground bunkers.”
When asked if Hezb’Allah would be ridiculing their Israeli enemies as “filthy Jews” after striking their supply of laundry detergent, he responded: “I don’t get it. What is that?”
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Alas, dear readers! Yet another improbable set of circumstances has once again delayed my intrepid team from completing the Great Work of Satire.
Those of you who follow the intricacies of Imperial Intrigue through such publications as Royal Match and The Imperial Enquirer may already know that my use of the honorific “The Evil Emperor” is […]
THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS
The Team, 1959:
I was twelve going on thirteen the first time I saw a dead human being.
It happened in the summer of nineteen-fifty-nine. A long time ago. But only if you measure it in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle […]
THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS
The Team, 1959:
I was twelve going on thirteen the first time I saw a dead human being.
It happened in the summer of nineteen-fifty-nine. A long time ago. But only if you measure it in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle […]
I received an urgent communique from my old friend Pat Robertson, asking for the masterful talents of my Mindstation’s Eleven team in accomplishing what that insolent fool George W. Bush could not.
EPISODE 3 - ALIENS 2
It is impossible to recount here all the events that had once again delayed us from our Great Work of Satire. Suffice to say, we found ourselves aboard the space tug Nostromo, on course back to Earth.
Sadly, we had lost one of the team on the way. Professor Stephen Hawking […]
Treachery! Lies!
As much as it pains me to shatter the illusions of my loyal subjects, my recent two week hiatus from posting has nothing to do with a fried motherboard and a new computer delayed in shipping, as the traitorous a4g has alleged.
My vacancy has a much more dramatic reason.
I, The Evil Emperor Mindstation, he […]
No time to elaborate, but due to a certain amount of insolence in the comments of my last post, a4g is out as leader of the team. I have assumed command. a4g’s spot will be filled by Subway spokesman Jared Fogle.
Jared Fogle Occupation: Subway Spokesman Specialty: Subs Pros: Always carries a spare pair of XXL pants. Cons: All […]
When, in the depths of primordial time, men crawled up from the mudpits of barbarity and painted the first satirical pictographs onto cave walls, man has searched for the perfect expression of the humorists’ art.
To say things have been a little “sub-par” here lately at Point Five would be undeservedly generous. In an effort […]
Mixology: Dry (And Sick)
Mixology: Mt. Muthaf*cka
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