Point Five

New Hybrid Vehicle Seats 0

a4g — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:03:20 +0000

At last, fuel-efficiency reaches its logical conclusion in the new Gaia.

Honda’s new ultra- efficient hybrid vehicle was unveiled at the Tokyo Auto Show on Thursday, posting the best- ever fuel mileage for a car in its class, an eye- popping 195 mpg (82 kpl). The car achieves the truly amazing number by a combination of unconventional materials, a powerplant that combines a hyper-efficient 1.2L 4-cyl engine with with a high-output barium-titanate ultracapacitor, and a cabin that seats zero.

The Honda Gaia is expected to be released sometime in mid-2009 and is being touted as the first car that is “a love letter to Mother Earth.”

“We tried to throw out every tired ‘conventional’ expectation of an automobile and really start fresh from the tires up,” said Larry Jacobs of Honda Motor Corporation. He said that this meant re-asking the most basic questions like:

Does a reverse gear really help you get where you want to be, or just where you’ve already been?
Don’t brakes just get in the way of what cars are for: going?

Aren’t cabbage leaves way lighter than steel plates?
Couldn’t we make our car more efficient by cutting out the 347lb weight of some corpulent, grease- sweating lardpump American who should probably be doing a little more bike riding and a little less midnight driving to Taco Bell for “Fourth Meal?

Sadly, outdated DOT regulations wouldn’t allow the designers to eliminate the reverse gear or the brakes or replace the body panels with coleslaw, but it turned out there was nothing stopping them from jettisoning the superfluous driver and passengers from their monument to environmental consciousness.

Designers also boasted that the 1/2 cubic foot storage compartment in back will be increased to a whopping 3/4 cuft in the production version.

“Never before has a car been designed that first and foremost serves the environment we live in,” said Jacobs. “You want to save the planet? You’re going to need a Gaia. You want to kill polar bears—- or actually go somewhere—-

then get some big gas- guzzling SUV.”

Although Toyota’s spokespeople wouldn’t admit it, the Honda unveiling proved a real embarrassment for Honda’s largest competitor. It was clear from hastily- made changes to Toyota’s lavish trade- show booth that they, too, had intended a high profile roll-out at the show. But clearly they had been let down by their designers. [Production delays in Toyota’s troublesome ultra- hybrid have been the subject of many previous reports on Point Five, where we were the first to reveal spy pictures of the sleek, efficient design, which consisted of two shoulder straps and a cardboard box with wheels Sharpied on the side.]

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TV Purchase From ‘Crazy Steve’ Proves More Crazy Than Expected

a4g — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:12:55 +0000

A portion of the sales contract signed by Mr. Brayden and retailer Steve Kerpinski

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Texas carpenter Joshua Brayden now admits he regrets accepting the “Insane, Rock-Bottom Deal” on a 50in plasma TV from well-known electronics discounter ‘Crazy Steve’ Kerpinski, who was arrested Monday after forcing his way into Brayden’s Pearland home wearing only underwear and a 6′ MonsterCable 1000hd Ultra-High Speed HDMI Cable with gold-plated connectors and high density triple-layer shielding, which normally retails for over $129 but was being offered at the unhinged blowout price of $47.95.

“He broke into my place and smeared crap all over my sofa,” said Brayden, who has filed a temporary restraining order against the big-box retailer.

Attorneys for Kerpinski vigorously defended their client. “Every one of our advertisements clearly notifies our customers in 48pt sans-serif that Steve is CRAAZZZZY about low prices,” said Merle Lincoln of Lincoln & Brockner. “60% off on Monster Cables certainly qualifies as a

‘price so low that he’s giving it away.’ And Steve– Mr. Kerpinski– was merely attempting to do so. In person.”

The original purchase of the 50in Pioneer Elite monitor– which has a retail price of $5000– was offered for just under $3200 on the condition that Kerpinski would be able to ‘lick Mr. Brayden’s armpits.”

“I thought it was just part of the act,” said Brayden, who has temporarily moved his 6- month- pregnant wife to her mother’s house pending the outcome of the situation.

Brayden began to have doubts when, just as he was signing the sales contract, Kerpinski dropped his pants and began masturbating.

Crazy Steve has been offering rock bottom deals on brand name electronics for the past six years, since

a voice warned him to slash prices– and sleeping homeless people– to prevent the takeover of the ninth ring of the exosphere by the Demonic Order of the Algatrex.

Kerpinski’s attorney’s have stated that they intend to counter sue Mr. Brayden for fraud.

“What kind of a man takes advantage of the reduced mental competency of a clearly unbalanced retailer? Does he think 35% off retail helps Steve get closer to recovery? And what about Steve’s accountant? Does Mr. Brayden know the stress all these low prices cause an otherwise fine CPA? Mr. Brayden got exactly what was promised. While most of the time this just means low, low prices, on occasion it will venture into coprophagia and torture killing. I believe the law calls that a promise kept.”

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Study: Few Keyboards Actually Destroyed By Coffee

a4g — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 02:16:50 +0000

Where are the keyboards?
Landfills show fewer discarded keyboards than predicted.

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A ground- breaking study of internet humor has revealed startling facts about previously uncontested claims of side- splitting hilarity. According to Drs. Myron Mitchell & Sylvia Johnson of the Ouianuc Center for Social Sciences, most claims of keyboards being destroyed by the nexus of a cardboard venti cup of steaming hot Kopi Luwak and an unexpected comment- section bon mot are at best exaggerated, and most likely complete fabrications.

“We found tens of thousands of examples of comments such as ‘Thanks, I just spit Starbucks on my laptop,’ or ‘You owe me a new keyboard, buddy’,” said Dr. Johnson. But the authors found that cross- referencing such comments against the actual numbers of discarded keyboards from landfill samples showed no statistical deviation from industry- predicted failure rates.

“It’s almost as if the only thing being spewed was

hyperbole, despite the claims of these anonymous commenters.”

But veteran internet presence “Larry-O” criticized the findings. Known for his acerbic wit, truculent commentary, and near- ubiquity on blogs, forums, and message boards due to his currently “between- careers” status, he claims credit for the destruction of nearly 10,000 keyboards. He noted a long list of methodology errors that he believed explained the discrepancies. “The study made absolutely no effort to test keyboards with other common liquids—- such as beer, soda, or water; there’s the possibility that many of these keyboards recovered functionality after a short drying period; and further, the configuration of most computer setups means that liquids will typically destroy useless function keys, not requiring replacement of the keyboard.”

Tort attorney Barry Long, who has spent two years preparing a class- action lawsuit on behalf of keyboard owners to recover

damages from “egregiously pithy online badinage”, fears that his case may crumble based on the recent findings.

Dr. Mitchell believed that the findings indicated that most of what was on the internet was “merely mildly amusing”– even second party claims such as “read this: it is hilarious” or “funniest post of the year” could not be trusted. Instead, he believed that a combination of boredom, anonymity and peer- group interactions fueled wild statements that could not be substantiated in the real world.

A Google search for Drs. Mitchell and Johnson and the Ouianuc Center for Social Sciences returned zero results.

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Pollsters To Release Polls Without Candidate Names To Improve Accuracy

a4g — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:30:58 +0000

While difficult to learn to interpret, new graphical forms of polling provide richer, deeper content for analysis by the political punditocracy. They can also bring up long repressed memories.

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In what has quickly become a muddy, unpredictable slog toward Decision ‘08, with candidates’ fortunes in the polls whipsawing daily, sometimes hourly, several major pollsters have unleashed new statistical weapons guaranteed to vastly improve their efforts at accurately ascertaining the whims of the American public. Chief among them, said pollster Steve Lunsford of Gallup, is the “Kleghelm Model”, which omits candidates names, party affiliations, and numerical totals in survey results, instead offering a data rich canvas of bulging possibilities which is so statistically dense that it can sometimes take until after the votes are counted to unpack the results.

“The first thing you notice with a Kleghelm graph is that instead of a standard set of bars for data points, it almost looks like a butterfly, or a bat, or maybe even your mother holding your face to your sheets, with her greasy hands reeking of raw chicken casserole and her morning bourbon, because you’ve wet the bed again.”

David Vinnson of Strategic Vision described Kleghelm results as

signaling a “new era” in political prognostication, promising to prevent polling disasters like the surprise victory of Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, which ran contrary to almost all late predictions. Providing results without clear signifiers will “stop contamination of public opinion by the polls themselves, which we fear is causing feedback loops on the part of savvy voters.”

He also noted that the charts were much more like “the rolls of fat cascading down the matted hairy chest of an uncle who is insisting the only way you’re going to get really clean is if he gets into the bathtub with you.”

Barry Leary of the Voters Rights Council is skeptical on the emphasis placed on opinion polling, and the forces that those polls add to the race. “They encourage voters to apply game-theory strategies of perceived electability to what should ideally be a personal decision based on issues.”

But Gallup’s Lunsford brushes aside such criticism. “Do we stop thoroughbreds in the middle of the Kentucky Derby and ask them what their

opinions are on the Alternative Minimum Tax? Of course not. That would be stupid. Horses are dumb animals. Why would you want their opinion on politics? We just want to see who wins.”

Scott Rasmussen, considered by many to be the finest pollster currently on the scene, has released his latest Michigan numbers in the form of a multiplication table. “You can really see just how this race is shaping up from these numbers,” he said. He fully expects the final tallies in the Wolverine State to come within .5% of at least some of the numbers he’s printed.

“The answers are all right here,” he said, pointing to a card dense with numbers. “Wait… O15… Bingo!”

Yeah, I’m still alive. The Emperor is at Camp Pendleton, slogging his way through MCT at the SOI, before he ships off to Ft. Sill, OK for his MOS school later this month. (You know, it doesn’t take long for this whole USMC acronym thing to really punctuate your daily conversation.)

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Dem Bill To Counter Repub Bill Supporting Limbaugh Countering Dem Bill Condemning Limbaugh

a4g — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 01:05:39 +0000

Just look at ‘em. Lousy stinking Democrat traitors.

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Lawmake- rs in the House and Senate threw up their hands today, admitting that they “frankly don’t know what they’re doing” and “probably aren’t really well- suited to the task” of running the largest and most powerful nation ever to exist in the history of mankind. The admissions came after a slew of resolutions of support and condemnation of Rush Limbaugh took up the entire business in both of the United States’ legislative bodies, whose legislative output over an average 148 days in session controls a $2.6 trillion budget, or $17.6 billion of budget per legislative day.

“Getting out of Iraq is just going to have to wait,” said Sen Maj Leader Harry Reid. “The budget bill is going to have to wait. Implementing the 9/11 Commission recommendations, college loan relief, rolling back oil firm subsidies, stopping deficit spending, and negotiating lower drug prices: wait, wait, wait, wait,

and wait. Limbaugh said ‘phony soldiers’—- possibly even in that order—- and that kind of trashing of our nation’s fine fighting men—- incompetent dead-end losers though they may be—- Will. Not. Stand.”

Republican Jack Kingston, in a counter- resolution, called Democrats shameless partisans who probably ate their corn- on- the- cob vertically.

The vertical/ horizontal corn cob controversy has roiled in Washington for years, since the first publication of the journals of Capts. Lewis and Clark, whose inconclusive reports on the corn- eating habits of the Mandan tribe polarized early Democrat- Republicans and Federalists. Many suspect the Limbaugh brouhaha is little but a proxy battle in the larger war over the cob.

Republicans generally favor the conservative, traditional horizontal orientation, while Democrats support more

experimental consumption, and have been documented eating corn vertically, diagonally—- or even head- on.

On the Senate floor, Democrat Tom Harkin displayed a half- cob of corn on a stick and a fried corn dog, both of which he claimed to have purchased at the recent Iowa State Fair, and openly wondered by what criteria the Republicans had decided that one was only legitimately eaten horizontally, while the other was to be eaten vertically.

“And if I want mustard on my corn– what then?” he bellowed. “The rank hypocrisy of these people astounds me.”

While it is not known which way Mr. Limbaugh eats his corn, as a private citizen, the federal government has little power to compel him to reveal his preference.

Democrats. Phhhf. They probably suck their soft boiled eggs from the big end, too.

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New National Intelligence Estimate: 68

a4g — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 00:55:14 +0000

Social networking sites such as myspace and facebook play a critical role in the assembly of National Intelligence Estimates, especially the pages with crappy autoload music.

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The National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) is a classified report detailing the coordinated judgment of 16 American intelligence agencies offering the assessment of the Director of National Intelligence. Previous reports have covered Iraq, terrorism, and many other national security- related issues.

According to sources who have seen a 110- page summary of the latest NIE, is is believed that current director John McConnell is preparing to deliver to President Bush a National Intelligence Estimate of 68.

“Sixty eight is considered borderline retarded,” said Griff Baker [ed- not his real name], an alias used by CIA operative Charles L. Stevens of Langley, VA. “The National Intelligence Estimate hasn’t shown a number this low since ‘Cartermania’ back in April, 1976.”

The current NIE brought together data on traditional bellwethers such as television viewing habits, motion picture box office tallies, and McRib sales,

while incorporating cutting- edge indicators such as YouTube views of Chris Crocker videos, the number of instances of anything anywhere with the word “Truth” written on it, and the total number of minutes that Countdown with Keith Olbermann has been broadcast since the beginning of time.

“There’s a real sense of heightened alertness throughout the intelligence community,” said Baker [ed- again, Stephens]. “If I had to characterize my own personal sense of concern, it would be ‘elevated’. Perhaps ‘high’.”

He displayed a flash card with the color yellow to help illustrate.

Some discount the threat spelled out in the two word report, and it’s accompanying 110- page summary. Dr. Phyllis Demeter of the University of California, Berkeley was vocal in her criticism of the report’s seemingly rigid statement of “68″.

“While sixty eight is clearly an indication of profound deficiency, perhaps even at the level of

‘imbecile’, or ‘moron’, we still consider this level educable, and with proper, intensive one- on- one attention, we believe that number could be raised one, two… maybe even three points.”

To that end, Demeter and fellow educators posted a eight minute video to YouTube consisting of still photos of great works of art with a soundtrack of Mozart’s Sonata in A maj K.331. Unfortunately, she said, the video had only racked up views in the low 100s, while a recut version had hit nearly 2.3 million views, featuring the same Mozart playing over video of a stripping newscaster, soccer clips, and an antelope humping a zebra.

In the interest of full disclosure, earlier today the author of this piece watched twenty minutes of live streaming video of Michelle Malkin drinking a super- size Diet Coke and eating a McDonald’s baked apple pie.

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Crisis: Local Man Enjoys Chick Flick

a4g — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 21:42:17 +0000

For some men, period costumes, sexual harassment, and unusual undiagnosed illnesses can have the same fascination as blood sport, cars, and spring break footage.

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When Lloyd Garfield awoke last Friday morning at the crack of dawn, and drove the fifteen miles to his job as a painter at a Missoula, MT auto body shop, he was unaware of the strange series of choices that would lead to a devastating event that haunts him to this day– over six days later.

“There’s not a night I don’t wake up in a cold sweat,” said Garfield. “I just keep seeing that horrible montage sequence play over and over in my mind, the two of them walking in Central Park, eating that ice cream, laughing at that bundled-up baby in the stroller, chasing those awful pigeons. And that infernal Sarah MacLaughlin song echoing in my mind.

“And God help me, I like it.”

According to Dr. Leonard Baylor of Northeastern Technical College, Lloyd is one of a growing number of American men who have had the frightening experience of accompanying an attractive lady- friend to a female- oriented motion picture, in the hopes of scoring some easy sex, and been horrified to discover themselves enjoying the experience.

“They really were the best of friends,” said Mr. Garfield, holding back tears,

“through college… abusive husbands… childbirth… And then Melinda got the test back that said ‘breast cancer’. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

Dr. Baylor has been studying the phenomenon of gynemovia for nearly a decade, which he calls a “crisis point for the American male.” He believes that an increasingly sedentary lifestyle and widespread use of the internet is disrupting normal male endocrine activity.

“While men bring their characteristic aggressive- ness and competitive nature with them online, even in the most heated, testosterone- driven online flame war, the urge to use internet shorthand such as WTF or FOAD eventually leads to the use of emoticons — often animated– which triggers the release of a flood of estrogen through the male system, creating unnatural sensations of empathy and understanding.

“Many men who would blanch at the thought of keeping a gay girly diary, think nothing of maintaining a ‘blog’, which is an internet term meaning ‘a gay girly diary.’ The cycle feeds itself.”

Such sober academic analysis does little to assuage the fears of Mr. Garfield, who before the disturbing trip to the Regal 14 Cineplex on Sept. 14, had

prided himself on an unblemished record of solid masculinity.

“I’ve been drunk enough to taser my own balls on more than one occasion,” claimed Garfield.

But the boast was not enough to prevent him from greedily seeking out the Lifetime Real Women channel on his cable box. He excitedly described upcoming offerings from Ann Jillian, Lisa Rinna, and Lindsay Wagner.

“The weekend is here and my girlfriend promised me last week we could go see 3:10 to Yuma,” said Garfield. “But to be honest, I’m thinking of inviting over all her friends and just curling up in the living room with a DVD of Beaches. And then there’s that new episode of Bridezillas on tonight.”

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Michigan Voters Disappointed As Primary Moves To Last Week

a4g — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 00:58:41 +0000

Far from a freezing black hole of icy despair, Michigan boasts luminaries such as that guy that was in that movie. You know the one I’m talking about.

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Michigan, home of the prestigious Glen Oaks Community College, beat out heavy- hitters such as South Carolina and California by planting its flag as America’s first presidential primary on Wednesday, when the state legislature set the date to last Tuesday, August 14. The move means that no other state will get the coveted first chance to set the tone and the direction of the presidential race.

“In one bold legislative move, Michigan tore up the rules of the modern primary, where voters actually go the polls and choose a candidate, instead replacing them with those halcyon days of American politics when Tammany Hall and Huey Long provided constancy and predictability as a salve to the rancor- weary citizen,” said Michigan blogger T.L. Pettet.

Criticisms that moving a primary into the past

violated 14th Amendment voter protections were swatted aside, since it is commonly known that every state will shortly move its primary earlier than Feb 5, 2007, violating party rules and forfeiting convention delegates. The retroactive Michigan primary with no actual results will fit right in with the rest of the states with disqualified delegates.

But in that field of irrelevancies, Michigan has climbed to the top.

“For most people, Michigan is nothing more than the unnatural alliance of an oven mitt and a miniature upside- down mirror- image Florida. But now, we’re suddenly the can- do state that can play kingmaker in the morning, and still have time in the afternoon to produce that crappy car with a cheap looking interior that you’ll be driving tomorrow.”

By far the biggest winner of the post hoc race is the dynamic Mitt Romney, said radio host Hugh Hewitt. With zero votes, Romney

moves into a dead heat with Guiliani, Thompson, Huckabee and McCain, proving that his impressive, expensive organization can catapult him into contention with the big boys despite a complete lack of interest in his candidacy on the part of the American people.

“If more states make this move into the past,” said Hewitt, “we may discover that Mitt already won the election– perhaps years ago– and his two terms will already be up just as George Bush is leaving office. Take that, Mormon- haters. Go Romney!”

Hewitt said he had not yet decided which candidate to support.

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Communist Toy Plot Backfires

a4g — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:17:20 +0000

“Eat Lead Dora” contains Dora figurine, “Backpack”, “Map”, and a tiny M16.

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A sinister plan by the red Chinese menace to poison America’s youth with lead- based paint administered through otherwise innocent- looking toys has been thwarted by the robust vitality of the American physiology, which instead of succumbing to the toxin, has incorporated the metal into the great melting pot in what can only be described as a metabolic form of Yankee ingenuity.

“We’re seeing a pronounced accumulation of lead throughout the cells of affected children,” said Dr. Karl Cheeves of the CDC. “Sure, they’re dumb. But suddenly we’re finding that kids as young as 18 months can use mobile phones without any fear of electromagnetic radiation. And these same kids just love watching commercials, far more than their unaffected peers. It’s a win- win for America.”

Americans have famously turned enemy attacks into advantages as far back as the Revolutionary War, when the song “Yankee Doodle”, sung as a taunt by British Redcoats, was adopted by the Minutemen

themselves as an anthem. With China’s lead invasion it appears nothing has changed.

“When life gives you lead, make leadmonaide!” said James L., a 14- year- old third grader, who described playing with Chinese made toys “since before the second year of first grade.”

Advertisers see James as the vanguard of a dynamic new segment of lead- based consumers: interested in celebrity news, colorful or noisy changes to otherwise identical electronic devices, and clothing prominently featuring corporate branding. Analysts predict rapid growth for the pop music industry, Apple computers, and blogging.

The military implications of a nation of lead- lined super- soldiers has not escaped planners for the armed forces. With a built- in resilience tougher than Mitt Romney’s hair, tomorrow’s ultra- dense warrior will be impervious to radioactive isotopes, cosmic rays, and the mind- control beams of Dick Cheney and the Republican Party.

“Which is good,” said Lt. Gen Bart “Charles” Charles. “Because with that much lead in their nervous systems, we

expect a lot more troopers to start voting Democrat.”

The lead toy scheme is not the first Chinese plot to go awry. Earlier this year, tons of Chinese- made pet food was found to contain melamine, an industrial product commonly used to line the interiors of kitchen cabinets. While a few animals died from eating the product, most Americans found that their pets were suddenly brighter and fresher looking, had great resistance to scuffs and moisture, and were extremely easy to keep clean with just a quick wipe.

“Bring it on, China,” said Dr. Cheeves. “While our voracious appetite for consumer products sucks dry every one of your precious natural resources, we’ll just keep sending you boatloads of worthless fiat currency. Suckers.”

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Tyra Banks To Host America’s Next Top Global Warming Model

a4g — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 16:08:12 +0000

Tyra Banks poses with fresh- faced hopefuls vying for the ultimate prize.

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Global Warming theory took another blow when Stephen McIntyre, a Canadian blogger, discovered that NASA temperature data had been corrupted by a bad algorithm, and that recent US temperatures were not as extreme as believed. The bad data had been used to support the contention that human activity was causing higher temperatures.

“I don’t know why everyone is so surprised that the data was bad,” said NASA climate scientist James Hansen. “Everybody knows models can’t do math.”

Still, Hansen and his colleagues believed it was critical that the American people not lose faith in global warming. “We realized that to rebuild trust, we’d have to find a way to put the ‘hot‘ back into the uncontrolled runaway global warming catastrophe.”

Enter Tyra Banks.

“Tyra is really the perfect combination of fun, sexy, and willing to read whatever we put up on the teleprompter,” said Hansen.

The CGCM3 model awaits her fate with the judges after a disastrous hard drive crash.

“And our format– ‘America’s Next Top Global Warming Model’– allows the average American to participate in choosing the climate model that will soon shape public policy. We’re turning runaway models into runway models.”

So while climate scientists are busy predicting disaster– Tyra predicts ratings magic. Her trademark blend of 50% self-involvement, 50% self-regard, and 50% narcissism will be mixed into a 110 proof Fuzzy Navel of reality TV flypaper, as a dozen competing climate models vie for the chance to correct the raw data from America’s weather stations.

Americans will have a chance to meet future stars such as the vivacious, sassy Hadley Centre Coupled Model, version 3; the corn- fed sweetheart Global Environmental Multiscale Model; biker- rebel CGCM3; and the devious, backstabbing AOGCM. Only by capturing the hearts of a celebrity panel of climate scientists and millions of

phone- in voters, will any one model rise to the top.

Tyra believes these models will really resonate with the American people. “These climate models are just as temperamental, dumb, unpredictable, and headed for disaster as the human models on my other show, America’s Next Top Model. The fun with this program is how whatever I tell the models to do– they’ll do it. Hockey stick, steady incrementalism, the Y2K bump. You’ll love watching my models calculate their way out of inconvenient data. And just like the winners from my other show– like Jaslene Gonzalez and CariDee English– they’ll work for just pennies a day.”

Some have criticized NASA’s approach to the underlying science as politicized, and lacking the proper scientific rigor, but Hansen dismisses such fears. “These are models. We’ll run them for a few years until they get used up, and then we’ll toss them out for a new crop.”

Don’t miss Ace on this.

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