Point Five

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Volume 1384 Link | (Dialup) | Breaking News | Trackback | No Comments » February 11, 2009

Obese Man Undertakes Aggressive Plan To Remake Health

By a4g
Point Five Staff Writer @ 5:40 pm

Ted Yreka plans to dump nearly a trillion calories into his body over the coming years in an effort to stimulate his troubled metabolism.

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When Ted Yreka’s heart stopped on September 18, 2008, he believed he was “literally moments away from a complete meltdown of his bodily systems.” Tipping the scales at a staggering 987 pounds, Yreka could have predicted the cardiac episode was coming, but still it somehow caught him by surprise. Fortunately, Yreka was able to shift his weight by rolling onto his side, exerting tremendous hydrostatic pressure within his circulatory system, enough to power a few minutes of life-giving blood flow.

In his panicked state, he was able to eat an entire 4lb cheesecake in less than a minute– the rush of sucrose and lipids acted like a natural defibrillator and shocked his heart into pumping again.

“When you listened to [my doctor] describe it you gulped,” Yreka said of the frightening episode.

Doctor Bernard Weekes, who has been treating Yreka since the incident, said that Yreka’s heart will not stand another occurrence, and has advised his patient “to make some hard choices and start a low- calorie, high- fiber diet and begin moderate exercise. Weight loss and aerobic activity is the only thing that will save him.”

Bold new forms of pork are needed if health is to be achieved.

But Yreka has a different idea in mind, one that he is convinced will restore the lean vitality he enjoyed until he was 3 years old. Instead of lowering his caloric intake, he plans to up it– and up it dramatically– in a program of metabolic stimulus that he believes will jump start his ailing health.

By investing in a diet that will introduce nearly a trillion calories into his diet over the next four years, he believes he can overwhelm his colon and other digestive structures with a deluge of effluent so unrelenting that his uptake of nutrients will be virtually nil. The idea came to him after reading More Aids, the autobiography of the late Lucius Delgado, in which the author, fearing that he may have been infected with the HIV virus, embarks on a brave odyssey of unprotected anal sex and shared bodily fluids in an effort to introduce so many competing strains of the deadly virus that they destroy one another.

“After my cardiac arrest, I really reached out to my doctors and asked for solutions, but they didn’t offer me any ideas,” said Yreka.

So instead, working with a consortium of representatives from fast

food restaurants, convenience store chains, and snack- food manufacturers, Yreka has crafted a plan that promises to create an alimentary laminar flow of undigested pizza and creme- filled sponge cake that will literally pull the pounds off him. The working group (chaired by CEO’s Norman Brooks of Frito-Lay and Jack Graydon of Graydon’s ‘Rag- On- A- Stick’ Personal Hygiene System) hopes to show signs of improvement in Yreka’s overall health sometime by 2010 or 2011.

“We believe this plan for Ted is definitely going to melt away, or prevent from gaining, at least 275 pounds of weight,” said Graydon.
While some have criticized the plan for having only 12% vegetables in its high- fat menu, and being heavily laden with pork, its creators insist that massive eating is the only way to achieve the kind of metabolic stimulus a crisis like this requires.

“Eating too much is what got Ted into this mess,” said Graydon. “Eating too much is the only thing that’s going to get him out of it.”

Because the plan is so critical to his future, Yreka realizes he must pay for the food with credit cards now. He has said he will figure out how to pay them off sometime in the future.

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A New Path To Our Energy Future

a4g on Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 @ 11:26 am

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I can remember a time when I used to feel safe.

But every day it seems a new climate horror is revealed, a new sickening disaster that takes the lives of thousands of our fellow world citizens at some point in the future:

Rising seas swallow up entire coastal community of millions, scientist predicts
Killer “super storm” heading straight for Florida, within three decades
Critical food shortages as arable lands rapidly covered by rising rivers, fifty years from now
Climate-shift-caused drought causes famine in Africa

Holy hell, if not even Africa is safe from famine, we are well and truly fucked. I don’t know everything, but I do know this: these future humans dying their predicted deaths in anticipated disasters are going to be righteously pissed off at us for dithering away their environment. And the fear that really keeps me awake at night– drenched in cold sweat and surfing basic cable to find some independent short film rated TV-MA that may have some tasteful nudity in it– is that these future citizens may just do something about it.

Read the full article... »

Does it send shivers down your spine? If not, just remember that these people will have added five decades of technology to the endoscope. And those fucking things already have robot scissors on them.

More about that later.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW), or if you prefer, Climate Change (CC). Personally, I use the term Global Change (GC) because I think it encompasses both the global scope of the problem and the changing change that has us all so nervous. Also, GC doesn’t weight the whole overarching concept down with testable criteria like “anthropogenic”, “climate” and “warming”, all of which seem to keep biting us in the ass lately, research-wise.

But it doesn’t really matter what we call it– because this shit is real. I mean like, really real.

So now that I’ve addressed your doubts, I think it’s time we start thinking about solutions. We’ve got to get that bitch carbon off our backs– and out of our gas tanks.

You see, the world is blanketed in a rarefied blanket of air that science people call the “atmosphere”. Think of it almost as a blanket of air surrounding the earth. Now I know it doesn’t sound possible for air to be a blanket, because if there is only air above you, that means you don’t have a blanket, right?, and you’re cold. But trust me, this is science, so in this case it is. Okay?

Now a blanket is a good thing. It keeps you warm at night, especially if you like sleeping in the altogether like I do. That blanket is your friend. But now imagine your wife never shuts up about how cold she is at night. Never. She doesn’t want a little fresh air from the open window because it makes her “shiver,” and for some reason making sure her man is comfortable just isn’t enough. So she hires some broad who calls herself an “Interior Designer” and the two of them take the credit card and go to Bed Bath and Beyond and she starts buying shit like she’s Britney Fucking Spears in the short skinny interlude between pregnancies. And I don’t mean just buying a new blanket, either, I mean crazy shit like natural goose-down comforters and electric blankets and duvet covers and 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. And really gay looking stuff, too, with jacquard patterns and flowery shit and pinks and yellows. And your whole gatdammed bedroom looks like it was designed out of a Disney Princesses catalog by a thirteen year old girl.

Do you know how fucking stupid you would feel in a room like that? Do you think you would feel like a man anymore? And do you have any idea how much that shit costs? Well, that’s how the earth feels, but replace “fucking stupid” with “warm”. And ignore the cost part, because that really doesn’t have anything to do with the analogy.

The point is this: we’ve all let our beloved lady America go on a spending binge in the Bed Bath and Beyond of energy, and now she’s covered our bed with an electric blanket of Global Change that’s set to “HI” (that’s electric blanket-speak for “high”).

So, you say, why don’t we just kick off that electric blanket? Or perhaps turn it to “3″ when she falls asleep and then say “I don’t know, maybe it got bumped” when she gets mad at us in the morning?

Well, my friend, welcome to the team. You’ve just become part of the solution.

Now, remember when I talked earlier about carbon sequestration? If not, I was going to. Anyway, all you really need to know about GC is that there is too much carbon dioxide in our atmosphere (the “air blanket” thing, remember?), and it’s going to fucking kill every last one of us. I’m talking about fucking killing you dead, motherfucker.

But there is hope. We just need to stop making so much carbon dioxide.

Where does this stuff come from, you ask? Listen, I don’t know. I’m not Alfred fucking Eisenstein. All I know is, I saw a commercial and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t come from a Toyota Prius. I mean, liberals drive them, and they always research stuff so that they don’t make stupid, emotional decisions, right? So we need more of those. Also, here in California you get to drive in the carpool lane even when you’re alone.

But I know what you’re thinking: Prius’s are stupid looking, and you can’t tow your Wave Runners when you drive out to the river.

That’s why we need what science people call:

Alternative Energy Technology

What is Alternative Energy Technology, you ask?

Here’s the thing– so far, nobody really knows. But the exciting part is that right now, even as you read this, scientists all over America are accepting grant money that comes from your tax dollars to do experiments and write research papers all about this fascinating technology. Now I have to admit that so far, most of the results have been a little disappointing. And by a little disappointing, I mean they don’t work.

But, of course, changing the world isn’t supposed to be easy, unless you’re Obama. And face it, there’s only one of Him and he’s a little busy right now, don’t you think? Change.gov doesn’t upload itself, you know. So for these scientists, Alternative Energy Technology is kind of like a great big puzzle. They’ve found the corner pieces and separated the edges into a big pile. And sure, there’s like 1800 center pieces to go. But when they’re done with it, instead of a pair of cute kittens or a picture of the 1939 New York World’s Fair, it’s going to make a picture of a cheap source of limitless energy with absolutely no downside.

What isn’t there to love about this plan?

There are literally hundreds of promising new Alternative Energy Technologies out there that scientist guys and engineer people need to make for us. I don’t know what they’ll be, or how they’ll work– that’s not my job. My job– and your job– is to vote for mandates so they’ll have to invent them for us.

A ha! I can already hear your objections. How do we know which one to invest in? What if we invest in 99 out of 100 and it turns out the 100th one was the right one? We would be shit out of luck, right? And what if some of these science people are, as they say in Texas laboratories, “all labcoat– no cattle”, and really just want to fleece us for our money?

Well, how about look at the title of this post, dumbshit. Why the hell are you still reading if you didn’t think I had the answer? It says “A New Plan For Our Energy Future,” doesn’t it? (Listen, it did when I first typed it– I think I changed it on the rewrite.) That means I already have this shit figured out.

Because something’s bound to eventually work, right? I’ve seen enough movies to know that the future is all about anti-gravity, interstellar travel, and really, really sheer clothing with lots of side-boobage. I think we can all agree that we will get there. It’s just a question of whether it’s going to be Tony Stark’s heart light or the Shipstone or volatile promethium. Personally, I’m guessing it’s Energon, but then I have a soft-spot for big-ass robots.

But so far, we’ve been spending crazy money and we don’t have jack. And you can’t say we’re not doing our part. We keep mandating that these science people invent us some free energy. We keep supporting the candidates who promise us energy independence to be delivered a few years after they term-limit out of office. We certainly haven’t been remiss in taxing the shit out of people we don’t know so we can keep shoveling money into the development furnace.

It’s just that these science cocksuckers aren’t doing their job and inventing shit. Somehow, we keep picking the wrong cocksuckers.

So I’m thinking to myself: here you are, dude, about to support investing billions of dollars of rich people’s money, and to be honest, you really can’t tell one guy in a labcoat from another. You don’t know sciency shit. If you get it wrong, you’re not going to have anything to show for it– no SUV that rides on sunshine and can scale a 60 deg incline– and then you’ll have to go back and get more money from the rich people and frankly, that’s a big pain in the ass and takes away valuable time from World of Warcraft.

When it suddenly occurs to me that there’s one technology that is absolutely sure to get us the answer we’re looking for.

Wait for it… wait for it…

Time Travel.

That’s right, bitches. I said it. Time Travel.

Remember when I said that those hypothetical future humans were going to be pissed at us? And that they were going to come after us with barbed endoscopes and plenty of attitude? Well how are they going to get here? That’s right, time travel.

And what do you think will be powering their time machines, and their endoscopes? Yeah, I don’t know either, but it sure ain’t going to be a big block 427 V8 that runs on leaded regular.

So right now you’re thinking that the plan is to steal their Alternative Energy Technology when they come back for us, right? Well, that’s why you’re the stupid fucking reader, and I’m the brilliant essayist.

Because if you try to steal the technology from them when they are rootering our squeakholes, they’re going to explode your fucking brain with their freaky mind powers. Then you’ll be dead. See, I didn’t tell you about the telekinesis earlier– because I knew you wouldn’t figure it out on your own. See, you needed to find out the hard way just how clueless you are. Now you can see how I have really thought this thing through in ways that you can’t even imagine.

There’s only one way to do this. If we’re going to mandate technology, why fuck around with Alternative Energy Technology that may or may not work, when we can grab the brass ring? Let’s make those science people invent us a time machine.

Here’s the plan:

A. Enact The Plan

Make a law to tell science people to invent us a time machine– no matter how long it takes– with orders to send it upon completion to tomorrow at 10:00am, to a vacant warehouse that we will rent for just that purpose.

B. Get The Technology

Take the machine, jump forward in time and secretly steal the Alternative Energy Technology from those assholes in the future before they have a chance to travel back here and anally ream us with their crazy alien buggery devices.

C. Reverse Global Change

This is where the plan really starts to shine. Travel back in time to 1846 and kill Abraham Pineo Gesner to prevent him from inventing kerosene refining, which started the entire petroleum industry. Replace him with a robot doppleganger that we picked up from the future (did I mention that part?), and instead have the robot “invent” whatever Alternative Energy Technology actually works, thus preventing Global Change from ever even occuring. (Oh, while we’re back there, also buy some stock in his company– that shit will be worth billions by now and we can use it to fund the initial research in Part A.) Also, we better put some kind of time-delay self-destruct device on the robot to prevent a Skynet takeover.

D. Cover Our Tracks

This is the really brilliant part. Science fiction tells us how dangerous unrestrained time travel will be, so with the history book we picked up in the future (crap– I gotta make sure to remember that part), find the inventor of time travel, and go to his time and set a bomb five minutes before he gets the idea. That should give us enough time to get back in the time machine, travel back to now, and jump out of the time machine before it folds itself into a time paradox.

Mother. Fucking. Brilliant.

And all it takes from us is a mandate. We can literally have it all. Utopia. But it’s not going to happen unless we pass a law that tells them to get it done.

So get out there and vote, people. Write your damn congressperson. Get involved.

Your energy future, your children’s lives, your very world hang in the balance.

Also, I’m pretty sure that 150 years of cheap energy will have created a society where women go topless. So there’s that, too.

Time Travel. It’s The Only Way To Be Sure

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Well played, sir.

The Editors on Tuesday, Nov 4, 2008 @ 11:43 pm

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So President Obama it is.

The taxes, the freedoms, the lies I could give a shit about.

I just hope the fuck he doesn’t get my son killed.

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If I were the world’s greatest astroturfer…

The Editors on Monday, Nov 3, 2008 @ 10:23 am

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and mind you, I’m not saying that I am. But if I were–

If my whole election-winning philosophy was creating buzz, and hype, and perceived momentum…

The real problem, of course, would be the polls. Sure, I could offer free beer and sausage, free rock concerts– that would pack them in the arenas. I could pay staffers to post moby comments on websites, jam online polls, and create the illusion of internet buzz. The media– well hell, I wouldn’t really need to do a damn thing there, now, would I?– so they’re already a gimme.

But how could I fool pollsters? What with all that whiz-bang science they use to randomly ask questions to people to stupid to screen their calls.

Possibilities:

1. Pay enough random Americans to lie to the pollsters. This idea has the downside of being batshit crazy. And even a $600,000,000 budget couldn’t possibly cover it.

2. Bribe the major pollsters. This has the same disadvantages of #1 (bugfuck insane), with the additional problem that the pollsters would be writing the end of their own credibility. Plus, you’d have to get them all on board. So no, wouldn’t work.

So what to do? What to do? Mind you, I’m already paying low-level staffers to generate false buzz. This is part of my standard operating procedure. As the King of the Astroturfers– this is what I’m known for.

If only there were some crappy job at the major polling outfits that allowed me to insert one or maybe two of my own people in an assembly line job, who might occasionally mark off the wrong answers on the polling sheets. Maybe, say “Barack Obama” instead of “John McCain”. Mind you– creating fake buzz is what I’m paid to do. Maybe, if I really wanted to be subtle, I might tell my people how to do nothing more than manipulate the answers to show a high degree of enthusiasm for my candidate, that caused the actual analysts at these hypothetical polling firms to wildly overestimate the party split in their released polls.

No major conspiracy. Just the odd staffer at the dozen major polling firms. I’m sure I could find room in my $600,000,000.00 budget for that.

Of course, the real problem then would be on election day. Because if I didn’t actually suppress the vote of my opponents supporters, the results might look like

this

or this

or this.

Then I’d have to come up with an excuse for why all the polls were wrong, like maybe the voters were all racists or something.

Anyway, just saying…

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Barack Obama

a4g on Monday, Aug 18, 2008 @ 4:12 pm

Barack Obama.

Barack Obama.

Barack Obama.

Barack Obama.

Remember that name. Thirty years from now, it just may give you the win in a game of Trivial Pursuit.

UPDATE 11/5: Okay, maybe it won’t be trivia until about 2208. Oops!

Red_State_Blue trackback: Put a Name on it ...

University Blog trackback: Barack Obama: That Don\'t Impress Me Much...

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Doug August 18th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Is there a middle name for bar contests?
Insolublog August 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Actually, if events continue as observed, we will be the ones to make sure the name is not trivial. After listening for eight years, about how big an idiot president Bush is, we will be able to strum the incessant harp, on three successive strings of idiots; strings tightened, tuned and played by each democrat nomination.

I hope there is a bloody war on the DNC floor. I need some real entertainment.
Barack Obama August 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
[…] Continue Reading […]
Scooter Van Neuter September 3rd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
“Alex, what is Barack Hussein Obama?”
University Blog September 12th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Barack Obama: That Don\’t Impress Me Much…

Remember those annotated song lyrics (or \”lyrical photo essays\”), that Sgt. Hook used to post? I had had the idea, awhile back, to do one of my own. That had never been accomplished, until now….
Insolublog September 13th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Earth to a4g. Are you receiving this transmission? Over.
Red_State_Blue September 15th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Put a Name on it …

“It’s for the children.”You’ve already heard the story, but there
are some vital points still left unsaid or not said often and loudly enough.
Just one example of which is that - just as we’ve failed to brand our enemies in
the War on Islami…
Cuffy Meigs September 17th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Here’s a little mnemonic device I find quite helpful.
Andrey September 24th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Obama is the first African American to be nominated by a major political party for president. A graduate of Columbia University and Harvard Law School, where he served as president of the Harvard Law Review, Obama worked as a community organizer and practiced as a civil rights attorney before serving in the Illinois Senate from 1997 to 2004.
Diamond October 6th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
A prominent part of Obama’s political image is a belief that his rhetoric and actions toward political reform are matched with a political savvy that often includes a measure of expediency. In a July 2008 The New Yorker feature article, for example, Ryan Lizza wrote: “[Obama] campaigns on reforming a broken political process, yet he has always played politics by the rules as they exist, not as he would like them to exist.”
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Obama was an early opponent of the Bush administration’s policies on Iraq. On October 2, 2002, the day President Bush and Congress agreed on the joint resolution authorizing the Iraq War, Obama addressed the first high-profile Chicago anti-Iraq War rally in Federal Plaza, speaking out against the war.
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I was thinking much the same thing about Hilary. The likelihood that she will be remembered in just a couple decades is highly unlikely (especially with the fantastic job that our public schools do with teaching history). Obama will be no different.
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Evil Emperor Update

a4g on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 @ 3:40 pm

The Evil Emperor had to get his OC certification yesterday. OC spray is a military-grade Mace, and the certification process is basically just getting blasted in the face with 16% capsicum, and then running a riot-simulation obstacle course.

During the briefing, it was noted that everyone will have a different reaction to OC spray. Out of the approx. 200 guys qualifying, one of the guys said it “tingled”, 196 guys screamed like little girls, and three had their faces swell up so bad they got sent to medical. Guess which group the Evil Emperor belonged to…

One thing they tell you about OC is that you NEVER try to wash it off– water just reactivates it and makes the pain worse. So the first thing the corpsman said when the Emperor got brought into sick bay was “jeez, this guy ain’t breathing right, we’ve got to wash this stuff off!”

The Emperor related all of this last evening in a phone conversation, talking between moans and lots of F-words, interrupted occasionally as a corpsman clicked through on call-waiting to make sure he was still alive.

Another f’n beautiful day in the Corps!

Rumor has it that certain photos and video may exist of the Evil Emperor running the course…

Details to follow…

Red_State_Blue trackback: Tortured Journalism...

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don’t you think that it run a little OK!, alot OK!, a hell of alot longer then my attention span could hold

Volume 1378 Link | (Dialup) | Breaking News | Trackback | 12 Comments » May 19, 2008

Obama Agrees To Dessert Without Preconditions

By a4g
Point Five Staff Writer @ 5:44 pm

Highly nutrient enriched cruciferous vegetables

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Barack Obama today announced that it would be the policy of his White House to constructively engage his two daughters, aged 7 and 10, in high- level discussions over eating their vegetables, without any preconditions that would prohibit dessert or between meal snacks. Unlike the intransigent Bush Administration policy, which included stern admonitions to the Bush twins for transgressions as minor as sticking a tongue out at reporters, Obama indicated that he would personally meet with his daughters Malia Ann and “Sasha” in an effort to build a “bridge of mutual understanding.”

Obama hoped to find common ground with his daughters and was sure that his positive message of essential vitamins and minerals would bring his daughters around to his way of thinking,

and reintroduce kale and Brussels sprouts into their diets.

Two years ago, Malia Ann shocked her parents and teachers by defying international nutritional pressure to include 5-6 servings of vegetables in her daily intake, and has even been quoted as comparing the smell of her mother’s Broccoli with Cheese Sauce to a “rotting carcass.” This, despite the youngster’s nightly demands for dessert.

Obama has promised a new direction if elected, and vowed to turn away from the stern Republican attitude towards parenting—- and vegetables—- that he called “unilateral.”

“Parent’s can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times … and then just expect that our children are going to say OK.”

Obama scoffed at critics

who decried his parenting methods as hopeless naive. Obama noted that his daughter doesn’t “pose a threat to us the way the Soviet Union posed a threat to us.” Unlike the communist empire, whose reign, by some estimates, cost upward of 100 million lives, Obama’s daughter is only a “tiny” 10- year- old girl. As such, Obama saw no reason to worry about her demands for a pony, that she be allowed to skip school whenever she felt like it, and her request to borrow the key to mommy and daddy’s liquor cabinet.

Obama is widely expected to be the Democrat nominee for President.

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I still wince every time it's 9:11.

Volume 729 Link | (Dialup) | Breaking News | Trackback | 15 Comments » May 8, 2008

New Hybrid Vehicle Seats 0

By a4g
Point Five Staff Writer @ 6:03 am

At last, fuel-efficiency reaches its logical conclusion in the new Gaia.

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Honda’s new ultra- efficient hybrid vehicle was unveiled at the Tokyo Auto Show on Thursday, posting the best- ever fuel mileage for a car in its class, an eye- popping 195 mpg (82 kpl). The car achieves the truly amazing number by a combination of unconventional materials, a powerplant that combines a hyper-efficient 1.2L 4-cyl engine with with a high-output barium-titanate ultracapacitor, and a cabin that seats zero.

The Honda Gaia is expected to be released sometime in mid-2009 and is being touted as the first car that is “a love letter to Mother Earth.”

“We tried to throw out every tired ‘conventional’ expectation of an automobile and really start fresh from the tires up,” said Larry Jacobs of Honda Motor Corporation. He said that this meant re-asking the most basic questions like:

Does a reverse gear really help you get where you want to be, or just where you’ve already been?
Don’t brakes just get in the way of what cars are for: going?

Aren’t cabbage leaves way lighter than steel plates?
Couldn’t we make our car more efficient by cutting out the 347lb weight of some corpulent, grease- sweating lardpump American who should probably be doing a little more bike riding and a little less midnight driving to Taco Bell for “Fourth Meal?

Sadly, outdated DOT regulations wouldn’t allow the designers to eliminate the reverse gear or the brakes or replace the body panels with coleslaw, but it turned out there was nothing stopping them from jettisoning the superfluous driver and passengers from their monument to environmental consciousness.

Designers also boasted that the 1/2 cubic foot storage compartment in back will be increased to a whopping 3/4 cuft in the production version.

“Never before has a car been designed that first and foremost serves the environment we live in,” said Jacobs. “You want to save the planet? You’re going to need a Gaia. You want to kill polar bears—- or actually go somewhere—-

then get some big gas- guzzling SUV.”

Although Toyota’s spokespeople wouldn’t admit it, the Honda unveiling proved a real embarrassment for Honda’s largest competitor. It was clear from hastily- made changes to Toyota’s lavish trade- show booth that they, too, had intended a high profile roll-out at the show. But clearly they had been let down by their designers. [Production delays in Toyota’s troublesome ultra- hybrid have been the subject of many previous reports on Point Five, where we were the first to reveal spy pictures of the sleek, efficient design, which consisted of two shoulder straps and a cardboard box with wheels Sharpied on the side.]

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Doug May 9th, 2008 at 5:07 am
That’s funny. Can it hold a rabbit?
Ottoman May 9th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
As to me I would never drive this car!
Van Lease Dude August 31st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
That was a very witty article attacking the crazyness of the green machine which often jumps backwards to go forwards
Semenax September 9th, 2008 at 5:33 am
There is now way this car should be compared to the Chevy Volt.

Being that the Volt plugs in, under ideal normal everyday commutes of less than 40 miles you will never have to put gas in it.

It is a completely different concept.

A vehicle that does not have to depend on fossils fuels at all is the ultimate solution to our current foreign oil dilemma.

Even at the heftier price, byt the 3rd year of production, the volt will out sell both of these hybrid models combined.
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Ninjai Gang September 15th, 2008 at 4:35 am
I say this car rocks! At least car manufacturers are being more enviro conscious. Thanks to Honda! ..btw you have a great site!..cool article..continue the good work!
Used Honda Parts September 18th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Wow. That pic looks very futuristic. I love the design of the newer hybrid cars.
CarViews October 2nd, 2008 at 11:45 am
Seats “0″ AND gets 195 miles per gallon? Heck yeah! Where do I sign up? Pretty funny stuff. Thanks for the amusement!
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The Accord Hybrid achieves an estimated EPA fuel economy rating of 29 mpg in the city and 37mpg on the highway, an increase of 38 percent over the current Accord V-6 in city driving and 23 percent in highway driving boat engines
Cool Cars December 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
WOW! a whole 3/4 foot of storage. Guess it’ll keep us on those diets we always fail at… now, we won’t have the room for more than a single grocery bag. Glad the designers are thinking it out, I can see these being as popular as the mini van… NOT.
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Hmmm…

a4g on Wednesday, May 7, 2008 @ 4:06 pm

Best thing about starting up posting again?

It’s making my site traffic go down.

After all, that crazy Google Adsense revenue stream screwed my taxes all to hell last year.

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Volume 1362 Link | (Dialup) | Breaking News | Trackback | 8 Comments » May 5, 2008

TV Purchase From ‘Crazy Steve’ Proves More Crazy Than Expected

By a4g
Point Five Staff Writer @ 5:12 pm

A portion of the sales contract signed by Mr. Brayden and retailer Steve Kerpinski

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Texas carpenter Joshua Brayden now admits he regrets accepting the “Insane, Rock-Bottom Deal” on a 50in plasma TV from well-known electronics discounter ‘Crazy Steve’ Kerpinski, who was arrested Monday after forcing his way into Brayden’s Pearland home wearing only underwear and a 6′ MonsterCable 1000hd Ultra-High Speed HDMI Cable with gold-plated connectors and high density triple-layer shielding, which normally retails for over $129 but was being offered at the unhinged blowout price of $47.95.

“He broke into my place and smeared crap all over my sofa,” said Brayden, who has filed a temporary restraining order against the big-box retailer.

Attorneys for Kerpinski vigorously defended their client. “Every one of our advertisements clearly notifies our customers in 48pt sans-serif that Steve is CRAAZZZZY about low prices,” said Merle Lincoln of Lincoln & Brockner. “60% off on Monster Cables certainly qualifies as a

‘price so low that he’s giving it away.’ And Steve– Mr. Kerpinski– was merely attempting to do so. In person.”

The original purchase of the 50in Pioneer Elite monitor– which has a retail price of $5000– was offered for just under $3200 on the condition that Kerpinski would be able to ‘lick Mr. Brayden’s armpits.”

“I thought it was just part of the act,” said Brayden, who has temporarily moved his 6- month- pregnant wife to her mother’s house pending the outcome of the situation.

Brayden began to have doubts when, just as he was signing the sales contract, Kerpinski dropped his pants and began masturbating.

Crazy Steve has been offering rock bottom deals on brand name electronics for the past six years, since

a voice warned him to slash prices– and sleeping homeless people– to prevent the takeover of the ninth ring of the exosphere by the Demonic Order of the Algatrex.

Kerpinski’s attorney’s have stated that they intend to counter sue Mr. Brayden for fraud.

“What kind of a man takes advantage of the reduced mental competency of a clearly unbalanced retailer? Does he think 35% off retail helps Steve get closer to recovery? And what about Steve’s accountant? Does Mr. Brayden know the stress all these low prices cause an otherwise fine CPA? Mr. Brayden got exactly what was promised. While most of the time this just means low, low prices, on occasion it will venture into coprophagia and torture killing. I believe the law calls that a promise kept.”

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